Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
