...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He shit in the fireplace
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
