And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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