I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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