I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
