i think my mom watched the whole time
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
