Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
