I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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