Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
