I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
