guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
