I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
