Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
