Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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