He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
