Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
