Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
