I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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