haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
