i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
