glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
