even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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