i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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