you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
