I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
