I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
