you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you would pick up someone in the library
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
