nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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