I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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