woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
