dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
