Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
