upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So squirting runs in the family.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
