if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
