first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
