You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
