I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
