pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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