I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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