high people should be assigned attendants
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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