I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
