Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
