Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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