BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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