mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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