We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
