He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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