i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
