We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
