I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
