apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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