Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
